Tuesday, October 27, 2009

An October Stroll Through A Cemetery

An old New England, country cemetery...

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The crunch of fallen leaves under foot at the front gate...

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Won't you come along...

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Peaceful and haunting...

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Stories etched in stone...

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A row of monuments, both beautiful and sad...

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Stones drapped in colorful lichen and the forest painted in the hues of fall...

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A heartbreaking tale of Our Alice, a toddler taken too soon from loving parents in another era, but the pain still reaches across time...

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A sudden mist rises across the way by the empty church and chills me to the bone...

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All alone on this October stroll. I leave to let the stories rest in peace for a time.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Nothing Gold Can Stay

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My driveway is normally like a long, winding black snake of concrete. But in the fall, a carpet of autumn color covers the winding snake like a blanket. I love to drive my car through the leaves and feel the crunch under my tires and watch the weightless leaves swirl around in my rear view mirror.

Autumn is my favorite season, but it is also bittersweet. It is a fleeting season. The beauty of it lasts for but a moment and then nature rests and hiberates for a season. I look forward, with the eagerness of a child, to fall. Then, when it is upon me, I am sad as well. It is so quick. Too quick.

It is beautiful, lovely, and sad all at the same time. Nature, like life, is ever changing, ever cycling. And the beauty of leaves in full color can be gone in an instant with just one swift, strong wind.

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I know that in Nothing Gold Can Stay, Robert Frost is mainly referring to the first buds of spring. In New England, the birches first buds are actually gold. However, the gold makes me think more of fall.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The day I took these pictures of my driveway was a windy day and leaves floated down like soft snow. As the leaves rained down, I snapped several quick shots.

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A golden shower

David played in the leaves with his nerf gun, jumping from rock to rock, shooting at imaginary foes, and the line "her early leaf's a flower. But only so an hour" came to mind. Like fall, childhood is fleeting.

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(Quick side note - sorry I have not been around to read many of your blogs or answer email. We've had quite a few house guests over the past month and I haven't had much time. Things will slow down this week, however, and I look forward to getting caught up with all of your blogs.)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Ride With the Moon In the Dead of Night

The title to this post is a line taken from the song This is Halloween from the film A Nightmare Before Christmas. I love the imagery of that line. It evokes images of the classic, cackling witch riding on a broom, passing by a full, autumn moon. Ahhh, Halloween. Love it. And love all the fun, spooky paraphernalia that goes along with it.

My house has been bedecked and bejeweled in all its Halloween finest since Labor Day. A bit early, I know, and we did get quite a few laughs and strange looks when we were asking for Halloween lights by the first of September, but I have a hard time resisting the Halloween itch for long. It's fun and it simply makes me happy.

So, I am posting a few of my Halloween decorations (not of them because that would be a very long post). I'll start in our living room. We have four fireplaces in our house, but our living room fireplace is my favorite to decorate during the holidays.

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First of all, check out my fabulous new Halloween banner. I really adore it. My friend, Emily, over at Art-n-Sewl made it. (She also made me a Thanksgiving one, but I'll save that photo for after Halloween.)

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In glitter letters, the banner spells "Spooky".

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I also love this haunted house that I bought at Yankee Candle Village this year. The spider webs are an annual favorite for me. They are annoying and time-consuming to set up, but my kids always enjoy them, and so do I really.

In my dining room, I have another vinette set up.

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Just have to brag about that family portrait again. Heather over at Audrey Eclectic made it for me earlier in the year.

I just picked up that Happy Halloween banner on my mirror this year. I bought it at Target and I love the bold, colorful statement. And do you see the witch riding past the moon? Like I said before, one of my favorite Halloween images. Hence, the title of this post.

My pumpkin tree man has been one of my favorites for a few years now. I call it my Halloween tree, not unlike a Christmas tree. I picked him up from Michael's. That store is always full of wonderful fall decorations.

Stepping away from Halloween for a moment, check out those monograms. The "A" is for Alyson and the "R" is for Russ, my husband. These creations were also made by the amazing Emily. I love the pages from an old book that make the background of the monograms. Creates such a vintage look. Here's a closer look.

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Ok, back to Halloween.

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This is also in my dining room. By the way, I bought that table from Ikea and then painted it with an orange milk paint called Autumn Haze and then coated it with a amber glaze and distressed it. I love it! But I digress, that's not what this post is about. On this table, is my candle topped with a ceramic candle topper.

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There is a hole in the middle of the topper to allow in oxygen, of course. The flame coming through that opening gives it an eery glow. This is also one of my favorite Halloween decorations. It was yet another purchase from Yankee Candle Village a few years ago. Speaking of candles, for autumn I recommend Yankee Candle pumpkin spice scent and also fall festival. Those are my two favorites for this time of year.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween season. This is one of the best times of the year, so enjoy it! I know I am. I still have some apple picking and a hay ride to look forward too. Not to mention our annual October trip out to Sleepy Hollow, NY. Fall really makes me happy. Can you tell?

Friday, September 25, 2009

And We Didn't Want It To End...

Life moves so fast. Kids grow overnight. Day to day is hectic and often overwhelming. There are many days when the only chance I have to talk to my husband is over the fever pitch of activity over the homework table, sometimes not even that. Over 20 years ago, the very wise teen Ferris Bueller, the brain child of the even wiser late John Hughes, said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Decades later, it's still true, perhaps even more true.

So, we did "stop and look around" and suddenly wished life wasn't so fast for just that day. Our vacation in Cape Ann ended in Rockport and the day was precious and we felt it.

We had never been to Rockport before and it was just a magical place. If Disneyland had a New-England-seaside-town-land, then Rockport would be it. It was charming and put us immediately at ease. All of our stress was washed away in the sea breeze and perma-smiles took the place of worry lines.

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Flowers blooming outside of a little shop.

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My family looking out at the fishing shack.

Rockport is bewitching and peaceful and has become a haven for artists. In fact, the red fishing shack my family is looking at in the above photo has become so famous amongst artists that is simply known, the world over, as motif number 1.

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A better view of motif number 1.

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Beauty, flowers, and the like abounded everywhere.

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Colorful kayaks

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and colorful boats

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Cute shops and chocolatey treats, and we did take advantage.

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Caroline is walking to shore in the very colorful jacket she bought in Rockport.

Then the sun set on our lovely day.

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Sunset over the harbor in Bearskin Neck in Rockport.

But even night in Rockport holds a magic all its own.

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Twinkly lights were lit and the air was smooth and cool. We wrapped ourselves in our hoodies, visited the quaint shops decorated in strings of light that looked like fireflies, ate handmade chocolate, and laughed and teased each other. And we didn't want it to end.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Getting Candid in Salem and Cape Ann

This post is really meant to be an ode to a telephoto lens. Last year I bought a 70-300 mm telephoto lens. I've used it, but not much. I saw the value in it, but didn't know exactly what I'd use it for. Plus, it's bulky and didn't know if I wanted to haul it around much, but then we went on vacation last month, and that's when I realized how amazing this little tool is.

We all do the posed, cheesy photos on vacation. They really are a must, but we rarely get to capture those candid moments. I think one of the main reasons we don't is because of the kids themselves. I don't know about anyone else's kids, but as soon as my kids see me pull out the camera, they start hamming it up and I am bombarded by poses galore and shouts of "mommy, look at me!". However, with a telephoto lens, they can be very far away from me and they aren't even aware that I've got my camera to my eye and am snapping away. So many wonderful, candid shots are captured and they are just being themselves and not their crazy, phony, I'm-in-front-of-camera mode.

Two of my favorite shots from our entire holiday came after a day at the beach. The kids played hard at Half Moon Beach in Gloucester, Massachusetts. As we sat around in the grass, waiting for everyone to use the bathroom and wash up, I saw just how tired my kiddies were.

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Caroline is spent and takes a moment to rest. The blue in the background is the ocean.

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Sweet boys tuckered out by hardcore swimming.

A walk along Derby Wharf turns into play for the kids.

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Here I capture the boys running around Derby lighthouse, even though I was very, very far away. I love my lens! And I love my boys.

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Caroline running along the wharf. Kids always seem to run everywhere. So glad I can capture these playful moments.

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Through some wildflowers, I find my youngest son and youngest daughter playing in the pebbles along the shore.

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Adam in curious mode.

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A little tired out after all that running. Look at all that lovely Salem background.

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In Gloucester, Caroline just about gives me a heart attack playing along the railings. On the other side is a sharp drop to the ocean.

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David is always on the move and hard to photograph. I love that I managed to capture his curious nature from afar.

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In Cape Ann, my oldest and youngest play in the ocean.

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Adam emerges from the ocean in a sheet of water.

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Adam attempts to build a sandcastle. Due to his impatient nature, it didn't last long.

Another wonderful reason to take a telephoto lens on vacation is to get close ups of far away detail.

The Derby Custom House is one of my favorite structures in Salem. Of course, The Scarlett Letter always comes to mind when I see it. In the first chapter, Nathanial Hawthorne (a Salem native) describes the custom house in detail. And, with my telephoto lens, I am able to photograph my favorite detail of the building.

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The golden eagle glittering in the sun.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Deep Roots and Dark Storms in Salem

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I was born with an artist's soul. My temperment is sensitive and emotional. I tend to feel things deeply and form connections quickly. I think being an artist at heart also provides one with a deep desire to analyze ourselves and others, to understand what lies just beneath the surface of every human being.

What does all this have to do with my holiday in Salem and Cape Ann, you may ask? Well, I have always had an abiding interest in my genealogy. Most of the family history seekers, it seems, are retirees or those entering into middle age, who are looking for a lasting place in this world. However, I took up the hobby when I was about 11 or 12. I was fascinated by it, entranced, really. I quickly gobbled up all the names and places that made up me. Being Mormon, I was blessed with much of my genealogy done long before I was born. Many of my lines stretch back into the middle ages and beyond and I found it all intoxicating. My hertiage is expansive. My roots are planted in many countries. My family tree looms over much of the earth, connected by all the varied roots and branches. I am a mutt, really. I loved that. I loved learning of all the different countries and imaging what my ancestors were like in these various cultures.

I now understand why genealogy became my drug of choice from such an early age. It is precisely because of my yearning to understand myself more. I am a believer that all of our experiences and memories imprint themselves onto our cells and are passed down from generation to generation. I really do believe that we are changed at a celluar level by experience. The stuff of which we are made is changed by life, and it is passed down. These are not my religious beliefs, but I feel it is true. Because of this belief, I feel my ancestors and their experiences, along with my own, literally make me who I am.

Not only was I blessed with charts and charts of my various lines, but we also had many life histories to read. I would devour these stories, imaging what it felt like to go through what they did, imaging myself there. One ancestral story, however, didn't make it down through the generations. I don't know if this story was some sort of shameful secret hushed through the years, but I never knew that I had a direct ancestor who was imprisoned as a witch in Salem in 1692. This seems like the sort of the story that would make the cut and become legend amongst the descendents, but it was lost to history. I was the one to discover this connection. After moving to New England, I wanted to search out my roots here. I saw Sarah Pease's name on my chart and I saw that she died in Salem in 1702. I knew that meant she had lived in Salem during the witch hysteria. On a whim, I looked up her name on the internet and, to my amazement, she had been accused of witchcraft and imprisoned in the dungeon for a year . She escaped death because the governor of Massachusetts had shut the trials down. She was a lucky one; though, that experience must have stayed with her forever. It must have altered her in ways unseen to the eye. I wondered if she had life-long nightmares after her life in chains in a dirty, drafty dungeon, fearing death may come any day. She lived only nine years after her imprisonment. Was her death hastened by her trauma?

Soon after discovering Sarah Pease, I took a day trip to search her out, to see where she lived, and I've been to Salem several more times. Luckily, I don't live too far. When we decided to take a quick, end-of-the-summer vacation, Salem made it to the top of my list. I always love it there. Besides, we are moving to the Boston area next year and this was a good excuse to explore north shore real estate.

We started at the Salem Witch Museum. I'd been to the museum before during the Halloween season last year, but I wanted my kids to go and hear the story of what happened to their grandmother. Thankfully, they enjoyed their time there and their ancestor's life became more real for them.

At the museum there is a large chart on the wall of all those who were accused of witchcraft in 1692. And there was Sarah. In the above photo, you see her about the eighth name down. It says she lived in Salem Town. Where she once lived is in modern-day Peabody, on a very busy street. A duplex stands where her home once stood and a tattoo parlor is across the street. I'm sure if she wandered down Central Street in Peabody today, it would be completely unrecognizable to her. In some ways, that makes me sad. Things change so quickly in our world.

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The sight that greeted me as I stepped out of the museum. This is statue of the founder of Salem, Roger Conant. I've taken many photos of him, but not from this angle. I love the federal style building behind him, a sure sign of Salem's age.

After our journey back in time to see life as it was for Grandmother Pease, we wandered around Salem Commons. Clouds began to form and large drops slowly landed on our heads. Hurricane Bill had come upon us. Though along the New England coast, it was only a tropical storm.

The thing I find fascinating about storms, particulary in New England, is the beauty and color that are displayed both before and after the storm has passed. The sky morphs into all sorts of colors and the light that surrounds you is more like a glow. As the storm rolled in it was at first a dark blue. As we passed by Saint Peter's, the sky was deep, yet bright blue.

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Then we took a few steps in another direction and as we walked by another church, the sky was black and grey though there was a bright, purplish glow that surrounded us. I found it breathtaking.

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We drove as the storm began to rage. The rain pounded so hard on the car, that we had to yell above the din to hear each other. As we explored the coastal towns, I began to fear. What if we turn onto a road that leads to the ocean and we lose control of the car? What if a massive wave overtakes us out of nowhere and we are swallowed into the depths of the sea?

Mercifully, the storm passed quickly and we found ourselves in Marblehead. We came to the end of a road and suddenly there was a lighthouse just as it cleared and the rain ceased. We didn't know this lighthouse was there. It was a happy accident.

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The sky in Marblehead harbor after the storm was dark and deep with spots of calming light peaking through. All that was there reflected the blue of the ocean and the sky. We were all bathed in a cool-toned hue.

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There was a comforting film of humidity hugging us, like a blanket, in the cool ocean breeze. The kids played in the metal web structure surrounding the lighthouse. Russ and I sat on the benches that looked out over the harbor. I reflected on the beauty that comes only after a storm has passed and I thought of my life and I thought of Sarah Pease's life. I wondered what her life was like after her storm had passed. I thought of the current storm that has created a whirlwind in my world lately and I knew, as I pondered, that after it has passed, there will be a beauty that could have only been witnessed by enduring the storm.

All I have to do is find my lighthouse.

I wonder if Sarah ever found her's.

(more on our trip next time)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

In An Empty Field

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I've come to realize that it is my lot in life to have to always convince myself that I am worth something. Sometimes I have to tell myself, like a mantra, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!" But most of the time I feel like I'm screaming it in an empty field and no one is listening, including myself.

From a very young age I thought I was crap. Ok, crap with potential, but crap nonetheless. Insecurity was part of my personality, part of the very fabric of my being. Then something very traumatizing happened to me as a child. It went on for the most formative years of my life, crushing my spirit and wounding my heart. It validated my natural feelings of worthlessness. If someone thinks so little of you to do something like that, then you really must be nothing.

Little did I know, I would be battling people all my life to prove my worth to myself, feeling like a lone warrior unsure of my cause, but fighting it all the same. I've had a sometimes painful relationship with family because I feel betrayed. A few have been big supporters, but most don't understand my point of view and think I should get over it. I don't understand how they can accept someone into the family that would hurt me so deeply and scar me so permanently. It's been a roller coaster of emotion dealing with all the conflicting feelings I have surrounding my family. And I mainly deal with this roller coaster by avoidance. I just don't step on the ride. It's easier and less painful than actually confronting the issue and take the risk of not being validated. There is nothing more gut-wretching than not being validated over something that is part of your soul.

Just recently, I was let down by my church, as well, because of this issue. At first they saw the injustice in my situation and were motivated to do something about it, but in the end they just decided to do nothing. I won't go into detail, but it felt like yet another instance of someone telling me that I'm not worth the effort, that what I went through wasn't worth the time and wasn't that important. It was a punch in the gut. Another betrayal.

The only constant, nearly the only person I have never felt betrayed by, is my husband. I thank my Heavenly Father for him every day. If I didn't have him, I'd probably be a patient in a psych ward by now. I'm not even kidding. I would be in a fetal position in a corner of a padded room sucking my thumb. I guess with betrayal being rampant in my life, God decided to bless me with the most loyal man who ever lived.

But how do I keep telling myself that I am worth something when my whole life experience gives me the opposite message?

This recent experience with my church has rocked my world and made me question everything. It feels like a tornado has swept through my soul and swirled around all that resided comfortably there until nothing is recognizable. My house has landed in Oz, and I know this land not.

I love the gospel I've been taught in my religion. I've studied it in detail. I'm not just a blind sheep, following what I was taught as I child. I will only have faith in something that I believe and feel is right. In order to know it's right for me, I studied. I've studied other religions as well and I still like what I hear best in the religion of my youth. I love how it makes me feel. I sense a truth to it, something that resonates in my soul. But how do I reconcile what they decided and what I feel is right? It's a struggle. I want my children raised in it because it gave me such a great moral compass when I was growing up. There were certain things I knew to be right and knew to be wrong and though I was often a pain in the butt for my parents and did stupid, immature things, I had a good center. I wasn't going to stray too far. I want that for my children. My husband was raised in it as well and he is a good and righteous man because of it. It was formative into making him an amazing husband and father.

I feel that if I stay, and not fight, then I am saying, "yeah, you're right. I'm not worth it. What happened wasn't important. Don't worry about little ol' piece of crap me." But leaving doesn't feel right either. I don't know the exact answer yet. So, I try and have patience. I try to take things one step at a time. All in the Lord's time. But patience was never a natural virtue for me.

Some things give me hope. I recently had an amazing conversation with a member of my family after months of emails full of disagreement and misunderstanding. He said his heart had been softened to my words. He said he finally understood me. It was a salve to my soul. It was a miracle to me. It was a blessing from God. And my heart was open to him and to hope again.

Hope is renewed, but anger and frustration is still there too. I sometimes feel like I'm on a teeter totter, one day seemingly sure of the direction I'll take and the next day feeling totally disgusted by what I thought I was so sure of. I know my internal struggle is not over. I will keep pushing. I will keep pursuing my cause with my church and, perhaps, the law as well. I will keep doing my best with the hand I've been dealt. It is the right thing to do. I know it. Giving up is not an option. Something inside, some small speck within me, knows my worth and won't let me give up on myself or what I believe.

Just wish I knew where this journey is taking me. But I have always been an optimist and I know wherever I am lead, I will be better for it.